To My Greatest What If

Written by: Renee

Description: An open-letter to my former best friend. My greatest what-if, the one I lost.

To my greatest what if,

Hey,

How are you?

Another year is about to pass again,

And here I am, still writing another open-letter for you. 

I’m still thinking about you. After all these years.

It’s been almost a decade since we last talked, I think.

And I’m still here. Thinking about you.

I wonder if you’re thinking about me too?

Probably not.

And I understand.

It’s okay, really.

What’s important is that you’re at peace now, hopefully, even after everything that happened between us, after all these years.

I know it’s been a long time.

And I don’t know if you still think about this, about me, or about us.

But just know that it’s not your fault, okay?

I know you’ll most likely be never be able to read this,

But I still want to say that I miss you.

I miss the sound of your laugh, 

Your big smile, 

How we always talk about the nerdy stuff that we’re both interested in,

Our playful banters,

Us trying so hard to be quiet and to laugh too hard because we might get scolded in the library,

Us teasing each other with our past and current crushes at the time,

You sneaking your birthday gift for me discreetly in my school bag, and then telling me to check my bag later when I go home,

Our conversations while walking in the random hallways in school,

Sneaking out to spend time together with our friend group at the school rooftop,

Our friend group decorating a tree in the school garden for your birthday—

I miss it. I miss everything. I miss you.

I know we can’t go back to way things were before,

But I’ll always remember how you made my first year in high school amazing.

I just want you to know that after all these years, I still love you. 

And I always will.

Even if things ended badly between the both of us.

Because of me.

You will forever be the subject of my poems, my prose pieces, and my open-ended letters that remain hidden in the pages of my notebooks.

And you will forever be my greatest what if.